getting through a breakup

If you’re currently going through a break up or are still struggling to get over one, I’ve been there and I know the pain and heart ache you’re feeling right now. You don’t know how on earth you could ever feel happy again. You don’t know if you will ever go a day with out crying. And you don’t think an hour will ever pass without you thinking about him. But I’m here to tell you that you will be happy again, you will go a day without crying, and you will stop thinking about him every second of the day. Trust me. It will take time and a whole lot of work, but you will wake up one day and realize that this thing that caused you so much pain for so long happened for a reason and was actually a great thing. 

I’m writing this in hopes that I can help you make the process a little easier. These things won’t take the pain away completely, but I think they were very crucial to my getting through those hard times. But before I share my advice, I want to give some background because reading and hearing the difficult breakup stories of other women that went from heart broken to happy honestly helped me so much. It gave me hope that maybe I wouldn’t feel like that for the rest of my life, even though it felt like I would at the time.

It’s been almost two years since the boy I thought I was going to marry broke my heart. We started dating the spring of our junior year of high school, and stayed together until the week before I moved into college. Throughout that year and a half, we were what seemed to be a perfect couple  (although looking back, that is definitely not the case, but I’ll touch on that a little later). We were best friends, never argued, got along with each other’s friends and family, and seemed to want the exact same things in life. But when you’re that young, you don’t really know yourself yet, and as you grow up, graduate high school, and enter the “real world,” you begin to realize you were wrong in what you thought you wanted. And that’s what he told me that night in August. It went from planning to get married, move away together, and have kids one week, to me being heart broken and blindsided the next. 

I was devastated, confused, and hurt, and I spent the next week feeling that way with tear-filled eyes during more of the day than I had dry ones. I didn’t know if I would ever get over him, ever feel happy again, or ever be able to love someone again. But eventually, with the help of friends, family, and Jesus, there were days when I would realize that I hadn’t thought about him in a few hours (baby steps), and later on, in a week. And days where I would feel that overwhelming sadness come over me, only to realize that that was the first time I had cried in a few days (baby steps, remember), and later on, in a few weeks. Even though my heart was still broken, I was making progress, and that’s when I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I knew that I would be able to live again without the ghosts of this relationship haunting me any longer, and eventually that day came when I realized I hadn’t cried in a year, and those ghosts were long gone. So now, I want to help you get to that point too. 

one ///// don’t be alone

     As soon as he left my house after we broke up, I immediately went to my best friend’s house. My parents weren’t home and the one thing I knew in that moment was that I did not want to be alone. I needed someone to tell me it was all going to be okay, and to feel the comfort and love in their arms around me. This definitely didn’t cure my aching heart, but it sure made it feel better, at least for a little while. I continued trying to be with people as much as I could for the next couple weeks because the second I would be alone with my thoughts was when I went right back down into that never-ending rabbit hole of sadness again. 

two ///// think of the bad

     This may sound harsh, but thinking of the things you didn’t like about the relationship will be a big help in moving on. The first few days, heck, the first few months, I tended to dwell on the good. I thought about all the great memories we made and all the amazing qualities about him that I loved. But that only made me miss him more. Thinking about the things in the relationship that I didn’t like or wished that I could have changed made it easier to see that this wasn’t the right relationship for me anyway and that I really didn’t want to be in it for the rest of my life. I began studying what a relationship looked like when it had God in the center of it, and the more I studied, the more I wanted that. And when I looked back at our relationship, it became more and more obvious that it didn’t look like that God-centered relationship at all, nor could it have become that no matter how hard I tried. I thought about how we had changed as we matured and how the things we wanted in life began to get more and more different. It wasn’t the same relationship it had been in the beginning. This was honestly the thing that helped me move on the most; learning to know what it was that I wanted in a relationship and future marriage, and recognizing that that wasn’t what we had. 

three ///// get rid of reminders

     I think the hardest times were when I would see something that reminded me of him. A gift he gave me. The place we went on our first date. A picture of us. Something at the store that I knew he would love. It would take me right back to those good times, and all of the progress I had made would basically go away, at least for the rest of that day. So my advice would be to just get rid of it. Or if you don’t want to get rid of it, then have your mom hide it somewhere where you won’t see it. Obviously, this can only go for physical possessions. I had plenty of times when I would see a post on instagram and instinctively go to send it to him, or something would happen and I would immediately want to tell him about it, only to remember I couldn’t. So when those things happen, I guess just focus on the other tips I’m giving. 

four ///// talk about it 

     Odds are this is the last thing you will want to do, especially if you’re anything like me. I don’t like showing my emotions, let alone talking about them. But talking it through with the people you love and who have your best interest at heart, is so so helpful. My mom knows me better than anybody else in the world, so talking with her about what was going through my mind and my heart was one of the things that helped me more than anything. She was honest in telling me all the reasons why she truly thought this was for the best, and I knew she was right with every point that she made. It was also so nice to just get all of those unwanted emotions off my chest. Like I said earlier, I tend to hide my emotions and keep things hidden deep inside of me, but this is so far from being healthy. You need to talk about the things you’re going through and feeling with other people so you can (1) fully process them yourself, (2) get good guidance on what you should do and where to go from there, and (3) to be able to truly let go and forget; if those sad feelings are stuck inside, you’ll just keep piling more feelings on top of them and they’ll always be there, only to come out all at once some day in the future. 

five ///// stay busy 

     Lucky for me, I moved into college a week after the break up, and if you know college, you know that it keeps you busy. But the week before was hard because I didn't have much to do to keep my mind off of it. I tried my best to stay busy either doing stuff with friends or family that didn't leave much room for thinking. Once I got to school and I was so busy trying to make new friends and get all my work done, it was a lot easier to keep my mind off of things, which was so helpful. 

six ///// give yourself time

    It seems like so many people have the mindset that they have to be perfectly okay after a breakup and should be moving on to the next guy in a couple of weeks, but I just really don't think that's healthy. You need to be sad, especially if the relationship that just ended was a pretty serious one, and you need to give yourself time to get over it before jumping right into the next one. If you go into a new relationship while still thinking of your ex everyday, that's not only unfair to yourself, but also to this new boy who is hoping to have a future with you. So give yourself time to heal and to find yourself again. The amount of time it takes to feel ready is going to be different for everybody and each relationship, so don't feel like something's wrong with you if your friend got over her ex in just a few weeks, but it took you longer than that to feel ready to date someone again. 

seven ///// relearn yourself 
     Odds are you changed and grew since the last time you were single, especially if it was a long relationship. I know that I had changed a lot and learned a lot of things, so I had to take time to reflect and really think about what I wanted in a person and in my future. 

eight ///// focus on God
     It always should be your top priority to focus on your relationship with God, but especially while you’re single. During this season of life you have nobody else to think about or care for other than yourself and God (and obviously family and friends), so take this time to really dive deep into His word and lean on Him when you get lonely or sad. He is hurting for you, but also guiding you and preparing your heart for the one He made for you to be with. But until that time comes, give Him your all because He will bring you joy and love that no other man can give you, no matter how godly or amazing they are. Work on knowing that God is all you need in life to be joyful and fulfilled. Everything else is just earthly pleasures and possessions that will eventually be gone. Talking to Him and giving Him my sadness, pain, and worry was the most helpful thing I did. I grew closer to Him than I’ve ever been and truly knew that He had my best interest at heart during all of this, and that it was in His plan all along. He was closing that door so that an even greater door could open sometime down the road. I still haven’t found that door, and I’d be lying if I said I never get worried that I never will. But I do know that God knows me better than I know myself, and knows exactly what I need because of that. He has a plan for my life that is greater than mine, and this relationship obviously wasn’t in it or it wouldn’t have ended. So just remember that God is in charge and knows the plan He has for your life. He won’t let anything that aligns with that plan slip away, and He will bring you something or someone even greater, in perfect timing, if it does align with His plan. You just have to be patient and trust in Him, which I know is easier said than done.